Choutarou's Journal
by MarchWhispers
Summary: Choutarou's life in highschool through his point of view, in journal form. Contains Shonen-Ai, and later on *cough* yaoi.UPDATED! FINALLY!
1. Days: One and Two

Another Choutaro-Shishido fanfic. It's part one of a series of one-shots about if Shishido had a girlfriend and some other stuff. It's through Choutaro's view point. By the way, I don't own Prince of Tennis.

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**Day One**

Shishido-san was sick today and I called him at lunch to see how he was doing. He said he'd be fine and not to come over today, because he did not want me to catch his flu. Then the phone went silent abruptly and I heard the faint sounds of Shishido-san and the tiolet. His mom apologized as I waited a couple of minutes for Shishido-san to return. He did not sound fine to me. I told him that and he laughed a little. Afterwards, we talked about tennis until the bell rang. Lunch was over and I returned to my English class.

The last thing he said was that I should have a good practice and work some more on my jump serve. It's selfish but I enjoy that he is not like this with everyone. Just me.

I wonder if I could make him feel special too...it's highly unlikely. That job is for Shishido-san's girlfriend. Not me. I should go finish my history essay now. I don't want to be up late tonight.

**Day Two**

_** Morning**_

As it turned out, my efforts to go to bed early last night were wasted. I finished all my homework and read up on some double's strategies. By then it was nine-thirty and I tried to rest my head. After thirty minutes of tossing and staring at my ceiling I gave up. I grabbed a random book off my desk and tried to focus on what it said but I couldn't help myself. Shishido-san kept running through my head every time I tried to shut my eyes. At ten I walked softly to my stereo and turned on Chopin's Nocturne opus nine no.2. Another fruitless effort. It was not until midnight I managed to worry myself to sleep. Then I had a nightmare.

Will...I don't think I should be calling it that. In my dream I was walking down the street somewhere and I saw a mini Shishido-san. My eyes followed the direction he was running. He ran into the arms of Shishido-san and his girlfriend. Judging by the rings though, they were married. And she had quite the swelled belly. I moved towards them and I reached for Shishido-san's shoulder. He turned to look at me. His eyes were cold and he asked,"Who are you?" That's when I woke up at four o'clock A.M.

Could Shishido-san ever treat me like that? When he's married, will I still be a part of his life? These questions kept me awake for the rest of the morning. I've been ready for school since five-thirty, at least school should help me get my mind off Shishido-san.

**_ Evening_**

At today's lunch I was in the practice room. I walked to the grand piano and sat on the bench. A Kimball, it was one of the last that the company produced. It's walnut wood and sound have a rich quality . The keys are white and smooth beneath my fingertips, but I guess that's common when you're dealing with pianos. But this one is different, to me at least. This piano reminds me of Shishido-san.

When I leave Hyoutei maybe I can convince the school to sell me this piano.

As I started warming-up my thoughts of Shishido-san drifted a way fo a while. After school today, Shishido-san's girlfriend came up to me. She can't give Shhishido-san his homework because of something about art club and that she HAS to be there. So I took it and after tennis practice, I went off to Shishido-san's house.

His house is very nice, even though he wouldn't say it. It's not fancy or gilded like Atobe-san's nor as large. But I like it more, it has more life to it. In the livingroom you can find books left on the table from his mom. In the bathroom there's sports magazines that Shishido-san's dad reads while he's 'busy'. On the refrigerator there's art courtesy of Shishido-san and his brother. But if you went to my house-it's nothing like that. My parents hide their novels and magazines and opt for a few shelves dedicated to law and the justice system. Our fridge is pristine in all its blankness, and my sister is usually off at university. As my parents are lawyers there often absent from home. They all love me and eachother but it cannot compare to the amazing warmth I find at Shishido-san's home.

I walked up to the door and knocked. To my surprise, Shishido-san's brother answered. He was wearing a mouth-mask and looked grim. Apparently Shishido-san's quite infectious. The papers were snatched from my hand and the door was shut. A moment later it was re-opened and Shishido-san's mother came out. She's very pretty, she has medium length chocolate hair and greyish eyes. That must be where Shishido-san got it from.

Today though, they could have been zombie eyes and her hair seemed pretty dull and just as lifeless. I hope I wasn't staring too much, I don't want to make her feel bad about her already ill condition. Anyway, she apologized for him but would not permit me to go inside. By now, I had decided that was for the best and thanked her and left.


	2. Days: Three and Four

Hi, I'm writing 'Jirou's Sleep Over' ,or whatever title I give it, at the same time, so I hope that I can finish them at the same time! At least by the end of September! I decided to just post this already, because the Jirou's Sleep over fic's going to be somewhat lengthy! Besides, I think I'll just do two days for each update of Choutarou's Journal. Anyway, I hope you guys think this installment's alright!

I do not own PoT or its characters!

FYI:

This is the second part of the earlier journal piece.

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Choutarou's Diary Part 2

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**_Day Number: _3**

Shishido-san recovered from his illness! He called me during lunch again, and said that his mom was making him stay home today just to be safe. I was so excited!

During the end of lunch though, Shishido-san's girlfriend came by to talk to me. She was worried and tearing up about him. He hadn't called her in two days! No texts either…She said they didn't have a fight or anything like that. So what's wrong with Shishido-san? He isn't the type to make a girl cry and worry in concern over him.

At least, I don't think so… No! I know he wouldn't do this on purpose!

I have one question though, 'Why did he call me but not his girlfriend?' It's okay to confess this in here, if not anywhere else, but I was a tiny bit happy that he hadn't called her. I felt sympathy for her but, I also felt pleased. However, I know I'm just entertaining false hopes. I wonder if he knows what he does to me. Probably not, Shishido-san is pretty oblivious sometimes.

Smart, quick-minded, but thick headed. But I like that part of him. So does his girlfriend. And I do admit that I think she has a pretty good taste…for food.

A person could easily tell she's very infatuated with him. She makes him bentos like other girls do for their boyfriends, but hers is extremely delicious! Also, she gives one to me when ever she has more time to spare in the morning and even gave me one for a birthday present! Shishido-san didn't mind it either. He just laughed at it all. The heart shaped bento box and the food inside, also in heart and cupid outlines.

So, what can I dislike her for? She's nice, considerate and generous. Brave as well, as she managed to confess her feelings to Shishido-san before me. I could make up all the excuses in the world about why I stalled, but it wouldn't change the fact that she's more courageous than I am and that is one of the reasons why, even if I was a girl, Shishido-san would choose her over me. I wish I could dislike her though…She is a bit too gung-ho about soccer, but so are a lot of people. Another thing is that she has arguments with her parents numerous times, but again, so do many people, especially teenagers!

My stomach feels a bit sour. I should take some anti-acid pills…I don't feel like writing anymore.

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**_Day Number:_ 4, Saturday**

My sister came back from university today! She's been going to one up in Hokkaido, so I haven't seen her very often for the past two years. For a week, she's going to be home. Mother and Father were a bit concerned for her studies, but she reassured them that she made sure that she was a week ahead in all her classes. Then she rubbed my head affectionately and spouted some crap about how she wanted to spend quality time with her ickle little brother.

I know the truth. She's going out with some guy or going out to clubs. Maybe she'll drop by my school once or twice and bring me food and gifts to keep me silent about her real intentions. Just like the other times, and just like when she was in high school.

But I can't blame her really.

She's trying hard at uni and is preparing to become a lawyer-like mom and dad. Soon, she won't have the time for dating and host clubs. Yet, it doesn't mean she should use me as an excuse to leave the house now!

She could always say that she needs to visit some of her old classmates and friends.

Oh! I have to leave now; she is going to take me out to the cinema first. Then she's going off to a rave afterwards.

I hope she has fun.

**_Later on Day Number:_ 4, Night time**

I love my sister but…why won't she listen to me? She called me from one of her friends' phones tonight to help her create a plausible excuse. She'd been out drinking with some friends and got caught up in some drinking game at a club. She came in second to a two-hundred-something pound guy. There was no way she was returning home in that sort of condition. Not to our parents.

She promised to be home by tomorrow afternoon. So, after I helped her construct a feasible story of why she's late, she talked to mom and dad on the phone. They sounded upset that she wasn't coming home, but accepted it as she was 'helping out a sick friend that had nobody to take good care of her.' They looked proud.

My stomach feels sour again…I'll write more tomorrow, I promise.


	3. Day: Seven

Author's Note: I've been VERY busy with school work. I AM a HS senior now, after all. Anyway, I used the song 'Prisoner of Love' sung by Utada Hikaru in this installment. I usually don't listen to or use her songs, but this one really seemed to fit this, so here are the English translated lyrics (I got them from .)

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"Prisoner of Love", sung by Utada Hikaru

With an indifferent face you tell a lie  
Laughing until you feel sick  
"Let's have nothing but fun" you said  
Feeling blue over desiring the impossible

Everyone is seeking tranquility  
You're struggling, but you've had enough  
Now you're chasing after a shadow of love  
Since the day you appeared  
My dull "everyday"s have begun to shine  
Now I'm able to think, "Feeling loneliness, being in pain - that's not so bad"

I'm just a prisoner of love  
Just a prisoner of love  
Through painful times and healthy times,  
Stormy days and sunny days, let's walk on together  
I'm gonna tell you the truth

I chose an unforeseeably painful path  
and you came to support me  
You're the only one I can call a friend  
Fake displays of strength and avarice have become meaningless  
I've been in love with you since that day  
When I'm free, with time to spare, there's no life in being alone

I'm just a prisoner of love  
Just a prisoner of love  
Oh... Just a little more  
Don't you give up  
Oh don't ever abandon me  
If the cruelty of reality tries to tear us apart  
We'll be drawn more closely to one another  
Somehow, somehow, I have a feeling we'll be able to stand firm

I'm just a prisoner of love  
Just a prisoner of love  
Every day banalities quickly begin to shine brilliantly  
You stole my heart that day  
Loneliness and pain I thought I could deal with

I'm just a prisoner of love  
Stay with me, stay with me  
My baby, say you love me  
Stay with me, stay with me  
Don't leave me alone again

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Choutarou's Journal Part Three

Monday, Day 7

My weekend went by so fast that I think I got whiplash. Saturday, after school, my sister picked me up and took me out to the movies. When those two hours were up, she dropped me off at the grocery store near our house, and left to go to some club with her friends. Later that Saturday, she called me up drunk, and desperate. So, I helped her lie to Mom and Dad about her whereabouts the next morning. We made up some story about her friend being sick and that she left her cell phone in her car while she was there, helping them out.

Then Sunday came. And everything changed. If it was for the better or worse, well, I still can't tell you that. I'll do my best to have all of this resolved! I guess I should explain…Even though it's not like I'm going to forget about any of it.

So,here it goes:

That morning was quiet as usual, until sis arrived and I helped keep her in our parents' good grace. After Mother and Father finished breakfast, they went off to do extra work on their cases. Then sis left to hang out again with her friends.

It was 8 AM, and I had the house all to myself. No, I didn't go crazy and parade around in my boxers with a broom, singing. Still hungry, I cooked some Nutella crepes and ate them in my room. I washed the dishes, and cleaned my room. Then for a half an hour or so, I practiced the violin. But unlike other Sundays, I didn't feel like playing. Normally, I'd play and wouldn't notice the time fly by. One time I kept playing for over two and a half hours before I stopped. This time though, every minute seemed elongated, and the clock was moving like a glacier.

All of my energy was sapped. My form was rigid, stressed, and I could just about hear my elbows creak. I thought it was from my sister's return home. I think though, that it was my body subconsciously preparing me for the later chaos that time would bring. Soon.

Due to my un-energetic state, I surfed the 'net for an hour or two. It didn't take long for me to become bored of Google, YouTube, and other sites. Then I finally took a shower at noon, and went downstairs to go play the piano in the living room.

I sat down on the bench to play, and positioned myself. In a few brief moments, I was perfectly comfortable. I flipped through the pages of my sheet music until it settled on a certain song. It was 'Prisoner of Love'. It was pretty simple compared to other music I've played, but I really like it. Just so you know, my sis plays piano too. She's the one who got the 'Prisoner of Love' music sheet. Not me.

Well, anyway, I played that song and some other ones.

After an hour or so, I went back up stairs. On the bed, my cell phone was beeping. I read my messages. There was only one, and it was from Shishido-san. He wanted to meet up with me at the park nearby the high school at three o'clock. I tried to calm myself down. It wouldn't be good to become too excited by this. It was going to be like every other time, I thought to myself. My heart would be beating like crazy, but nothing would happen. Nothing would change. Of this I was so sure of.

When I got to the park, I was completely surprised. Shishido-san's girlfriend was there. Not him. I asked her why she was there and not Shishido-san. She laughed a little before telling me that she was the one who sent the text, because she wanted to talk with me. And she said that she knew I'd show up if I thought it was Shishido-san. So she made me set down on the bench next to her, and gave me one of the hot chocolates that she had been holding. At the time, of course I knew something was going down. But I wanted to be optimistic, and she must've done all this for an important reason.

Then she asked me, "Choutarou-kun…Are you in love with Shishido-san?"

My heart lurched out of my chest at the same time it was plummeting. This is why people have instincts, to avoid situations like this, I believe. All I could say was:"Yes."

The next question she asked me: "How long?"

And I replied, my eyes looking downwards : "About three years now, maybe even a little longer."

Her face that had remained so calm, started crying.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, but I didn't want to lie to you..." I said

"Dummy, I'm not crying for ME. I'm crying for you!"

I gave her a stunned look, so she continued to explain. She told me that Shishido-san knew about my feelings already. She knew because she asked him if I ever confessed or said anything to him. But from her description, he seemed indifferent. At the time, my emotions were a melting pot of anger, confusion and disappointment. When I didn't say anything, she stopped and gave me a comforting squeeze on my shoulder. After another moment, I asked her why she was telling me all of this.

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, and said that it's because these circumstances are unfair to me. And she felt bad about how Shishido-san never confronted me or anything. That she felt like they had flaunted their relationship in front of me. I told her that they hadn't, and that it's not her fault. The next thing she told me nearly knocked me off the bench.

"Choutarou-kun, I've decided to break it off with Ryou-kun"

"W-What!?!"

Then she said to me that she never had felt as strongly or as intense for Shishido-san as I have, and that that wasn't unfair to only me, but Shishido-san as well. She told me I should go for it, and that Shishido-san would be fortunate to have me as a boyfriend. When she said all those things I felt like everything was going to be fine, and that there's a chance for me. We exchanged numbers and began some sort of camaraderie.

I came home that Sunday much more cheerful than I have in months. Everything was looking up, I thought. That night, I went to bed and forgot my earlier ominous feelings. It didn't take me long to fall asleep. I woke up early Monday morning, feeling refreshed.

And when I got to school, I saw Shishido-san in the hallway. I called out to him and he put his hand up in a wave. We talked for a while until the bell rang and class started. I didn't see him until before I went into the locker room to change into my gear.

He walked up to me and took a swing at me. Due to my surprise, it connected and then he tried a few more times. I yelled at Shishido-san: "What in the hell are you doing?!?Shishido-san!" But he disregarded my words and kept trying to pummel me.

I blocked pretty well, despite my swollen right eye. Luckily, some of the club members heard our scuffle from inside the club house and came out after he had already stopped. He walked off to the tennis courts without having said a word. At practice, he didn't say a word as we practiced together.

Atobe-sempai took me aside and asked me what was going on, and about my black eye. I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about and that I fell badly earlier. He didn't pressure me any further into telling him, at least for today. But I'm sure he wasn't deceived. He has his 'insight' after all, and I'm certainly not as proficient at lying as most people are. The other sempais seemed concerned as well, or at least knew something was going on. Gakuto-sempai didn't tease Shishido-san nearly as much as he normally does.

After practice, I managed to catch up with Shishido-san. He refused to look at me, and ignored me as I pulled up beside him. This was my limit. I went in front of him, and blocked him off. He looked at me, clearly very angry, and as many would express it, pissed off. I asked him why he was treating me like this. And he said, and I remember it very lucidly,:

"Choutarou…I trusted you. I found the text message that Natsumi sent to you from my phone. I saw you two together. And, damnit, I trusted you!" he said this somewhat calmly, raising his voice towards the end.

"And when I saw you this morning acting like everything's normal, I trusted you again. Then at lunch…Natsumi broke up with me. I know you have something to do with this!", he continued, his voice still becoming louder and rising.

"Whether it's your ridiculous crush on me or that I misread you and you actually like Natsumi…I don't give a damn! I'm not gonna let this effect the tennis team but, don't expect more than that from me…Ohtori" by this point he was shouting and looking at me with an expression of complete loathing.

I couldn't control myself…I slapped him so hard that he fell to the ground with a tremendous thud. My eyes were welling up a bit. But my tears weren't very important at the moment.

"So, you're not at fault at all?!? You ignored my feelings instead of addressing them! You were probably laughing at me the whole time too! Or maybe you felt sorry for me?" I yelled, standing over him.

He started to talk back but I cut him off and continued my raving.

"And it's not like Natsumi doesn't have a mind of her own either! I can't control people's actions or their hearts Shishido-san! I can't even get a good grip on my own!" I ended it there because my throat had tightened up.

By this time, Shishido-san had stood up. He looked at me and said: "I never laughed at them" Then he walked off. I wanted to follow him but I…I had the feeling that that was a bad idea. So, I went home, did my chores, and played my violin for a bit. But I couldn't do a single thing without thinking about him, as clichéd as that is, it's the truth.

This whole thing with Shishido-san…I'm confused about it. He tells me that my feelings for him are 'ridiculous' but then…he had this expression when he said that he never laughed at them…It's contradictory…How does he feel, really? If he'd tell me straight out, that'd be for the better. But being the, pardon my language, stubborn ass that he is, he won't. Ever. It seems that this is up to me from here on out.

At the least, Natsumi is on my side. She texted me, telling me that she'll be an open ear for me whenever I need it. She seems a bit too excited by my feelings…Maybe she's a fujioshi? It'd be rude to ask her directly though…Oh well. She accepts me. That's what matters the most.

I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.

And if I'll be able to fall asleep tonight…Anyway, I'll inform you eventually.


	4. Day: Nine

**Author's note: I apologize for taking so long to update. *bows* I've been pretty occupied with homework and ****Señor Gordo ( You all should go read it! It's on my favorites!) but that's no excuse! I'm especially sorry to Nette8 who sent me an e-mail concerning my proposed due-date! Thank you Nette8! May you all enjoy this chapter!**

**My final message is: ~*_GANBATTE! *~_**

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**Day 9, Wednesday**

Today, regulars had morning practice as well as an afternoon one. We have a game with Rokkaku Chuu tomorrow; we can't afford to slack off.

Shishido-san was playing fine. But I kept double faulting my serve waaay outside the service box. When my jump serve went off course and walloped Hiyoshi-kun's back- that's when Atobe-bouchou ordered me to run laps. Shishido-san appeared exceedingly disappointed, and escorted Hiyoshi-kun to the Nurse's Office after I apologized profusely. After a half an hour of running laps around the courts, Atobe-buchou told me to stop. Again, he conversed with me and offered his ears to my problems.

I guess he's concerned because I'm negatively affecting the team with my personal tribulations. But, once again, I rejected his offer. It's mine and Shishido's problem. Well, actually it's mine, because Shishido-san doesn't seem to believe there is a predicament between us. I'm not going to involve others in this. I'm in high school now; I am an adult. I should be capable of settling this issue properly with Shishido-san. By myself.

After practice, I was planning to head straight home. I didn't feel like pursuing Shishido-san on his way home today like I did yesterday. I didn't feel like quarreling with him, like yesterday afternoon and today at lunch. I was becoming worn out by our 'game' of sorts.

But today, Wednesday afternoon, Shishido-san came jogging up to me!

For a second, I thought about flouting him the way he did to me the other day. But I was too flabbergasted to articulate anything except a "Hi."

'If he's going to take the initiative and talk to me, it must be for an excellent reason' I thought to myself at that moment. And he did have something important to say after all.

"Why…huff...do you like me, of all people, why me, huh?"

Shishido-san never really was the tactful type I guess. But this was several times more straight forward than usual. What was I supposed to say? I started to panic.

"Who says I still like you anyway? You've been an ass lately, you know Shishido-sempai." I said, trying my best to be cold at the time. I think I at least succeeded to get my stare to luke warm.

"The blush on your cheeks says so, Choutarou."

My blush had deepened even more so at that.

"So, I'm gonna ask again. Why do you like me?" he said.

"I have an even better question. Why do you care?"

"…Just answer the God damn question."

"I think I deserve the answer to mine first, _sempai_. "

Shishido-san looked peeved at that.

"I just…don't know what's going through your head Choutarou. Everything else, yeah you're pretty easy to read but this…I have no clue. I mean, you've liked me for a while now that I think. Yet you haven't said a one frickin' word to ME about it. At all. So…I guess I wanna know why you like me because I want to understand you again."

I was silent, rolling the words over in my head.

"So, ready to answer _my_ question?" he asked.

"Sorry Shishido-san…but there's no single true answer I could give you. If I started listing off the reasons, we'd be here all night and most of tomorrow." I stated simply.

"Okay, just give me some examples then or something." He inquired simply.

I think only Shishido-san could ask for examples of love with such a straight face. It seriously reminded me of a kid with an intricate mathematics problem that they needed help to solve, but refuse to ask for it.

"Umm…Well, I love your feet."

Shishido-san snickered at that, and said "Okay, care to elaborate on that?"

I felt like walking away from the bench we were now occupying, but I stopped myself.

"They're slender and not that large. They're a bit wider though, and your toes are long and bony as well. I think it's creepy how you can move your toes around and pick things up with them. I remember how they were becoming more callused at the soles because of the extra training we did in middle school. I…and I also like how your eyes light up when you're excited or pleased with something. I like your eyes when it's raining and drops keep getting stuck on your eyelashes and you keep fruitlessly trying to blink them away. Little things like that, are a part of why I like you, umm I guess." I finished my 'examples' finally.

He raised one of his eyebrows at me. That was a signal for me to continue, I thought at the time.

"I like how you argue with Atobe-sempai just because it's him. And even though you two treat each other obnoxiously, you guys are actually life long friends. And I like your family and your house, and how you don't act any differently from when you're at school. I like how you don't worry about appearances as much as some and that you always say what you really mean to say. Even if it's brash, you don't hold back. And…I liked how you called me before your girlfriend when you recovered from being sick a few days ago. Even if it's mildly egotistical of me, I like that too."

He looked at me, and shook his head. "Man you're weird. What kinda guy would actually confess all that?"

At his remark, anger welled up inside of me.

"SEE?!? I knew you were making fun of me and my feelings all along! I even thought that you…that you…"

"That I 'what'?" he asked.

"That you cared about my feelings. That you'd hear them out without ridiculing them and…"

"I'm sorry Choutarou. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I'm just acting like this because I, myself, an unsure of my feelings for you..." He said, gazing at the ground.

"What really-"

"..Is what you'd like me to say, right?" He added, looking up at me.

"Truth is, I don't know if I'll ever feel that way for you. Ever. But I do know that I want us to remain friends as long as possible. That's why I never confronted you or anything. I didn't think it was really needed. Everything was going fine as it was. So, let's be friends and forget about all this?"

"That sounds great, Shishido-san" I replied.

He looked relieved by my response and we went and played at the street courts and ate ice cream afterwards. It was fun, I guess. The whole time I was flooded by waves of nostalgia.

Honestly though…I can't simply release my feelings like rain drops from clouds. And how am I supposed to forget if each time he smiles gives me another reason not to? But the alternative…If I didn't lie, and instead said that I'd always love him…He would've terminated both our friendship and doubles team right there, I'm sure of that.

Everything will return to the way it was before. No wait…It'll be even more pathetic. I've confessed this time and he dismissed me. From the beginning, I didn't even have a chance.

Damn it!

I should stop writing for tonight, I don't want to smudge the paper any further.


	5. NOTICE

I have a new account and have chosen to rewrite and continue this story! The account's called FaladaLives and I will try to think of a different title for Choutarou's diary while I am at it**.** Sorry for the delay and thanks for all the follows and reviews I've received as MarchWhispers.


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